Finding Love: Do You Look For It Or Does Love Find You?
“Love is not going to come knocking on your door,” you tell your boy Lee, who says that he wants to find Wifey this year, but is putting forth zero effort. Well, he is on Match.com, but it’s been so long since he logged into his account that he forgot his password. What does he expect?
“Listen, I feel like if it’s meant to happen, it will. You can’t force something like that.”
Oh, man.
You get off the phone unable to shake this heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Lee has been one of your best friends for over a decade and sometimes you worry about him. The last time ya’ll hung out the grey hairs in his beard were sprouting out like daffodils in Spring, and yet he’s clinging to this idea that if love is meant to be, it will happen. How do you tell him it doesn’t happen like that? You gotta put in the work.
It’s something you had to figure out when you were single some 12 years ago and dating dudes that wouldn’t last longer than the time it took to fry an egg. It became a running joke between you and your roommate at the time because she never got to meet any of them before they were gone.
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One day you decided enough was enough and threw yourself into therapy where you discovered that daddy issues, the biggest cliché known to wo-man, was killing your relationships.
Once they were resolved, in walked the love you wanted in a man that was everything you were looking for. For you, finding love means sowing the seeds necessary to prepare the space. A friend sees it much simpler. “It's like finding a job,” he says. “If you're broke, want to eat, have shelter, and live like a normal human being, you don't sit and wait for a job. You seek it out.” Amen.
And though you want to call Lee back and tell him that he needs to get off his butt if he really wants to find his wife, the truth is he probably wouldn’t hear you anyway because you’re always telling him something. If anything, you’ll get a few people to confirm what you know and then get back to him.
Hmmmm….you saw recently that one of your Facebook friends just celebrated ten years with her man.
Was she looking for love or did it find her?
Jennifer says that she and her husband started as friends. He owned a restaurant that she would go to all the time and one day he said, “Why don’t we date?” She says it was a comfortable fit and such a departure from the guys she was used to dating in the past. Before he showed up, she was leaving a DJ career that she had built over seven years, but was burnt out and unhealthy.
“He made me feel so loved and taken care of. I fell in love more and more.”
“That’s a great story,” you tell her, “But what did you do to bring it on? Weren’t you looking?”
“No. I wasn’t thinking about finding love.”
Okay. Surely, she’s the exception to the rule. Maybe she hit the relationship lotto.
A friend was telling you the other day that another friend you know is now in a relationship. Like you back in the day, she was single for a long time. You’re willing to bet she did something to break out of the single box.
“I found love when I was in a position to receive it,” says Jamie.
You knew it! “So how did you get into a position to receive it?” you ask.
“I can’t credit myself. I believe God changed my mind.”
What Say You?
“I wasn’t aware that I was placing my standards on God. It was really me telling God who to send me instead of me allowing him to choose. Once this mindset shifted, I organically became attracted to different types. At that point, I believe love found me.”
Say it ain’t so. So she wasn’t looking for love either?
Ok. Let’s think about this…one person saying that love found them, you can dismiss. But two? The chance that they’re lying in order to prove Lee right--that you don’t have to look for love--is slim to none.
So what does this mean about what you thought you knew?
Well, you don’t know everything. There’s more than one road to Rome and probably even more to relationship bliss. Perhaps Lee has the right idea and chilling out about it is all he needs. At any rate, it wouldn’t be the first time love found somebody.